YOU ARE A NURSE IF:

• Your hands looks older than your grandma from frequent hand washing and wearing gloves.
• Your feet are flatter and rougher than a primitive man.
• You gobble and swallow food without properly chewing it even if you are in a restaurant (you always think you are in a race when eating).
• You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.
• You memorized by heart all the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town.
• You pause in the middle of something thinking you just heard the alarm of an infusion pump goes off. Even if you are at home.
• You see stress as a way of life.
• You think to yourself what a great vein a complete stranger has… For IV insertion.
• You probably tell this to yourself a million times---"Why am I here?" or "That's it, I quit!"
• You have a bladder capacity of 4 people combined.
• Your friends and neighbors ask you for medical advice.
• You think it's acceptable to use "Penis" and "Vagina" in a normal conversation.
• You refer to motorists as Organ donor.
• There is a "toxic" food or a "toxic" person you need to steer clear of during benign duty hours.
• You find yourself uttering this line: "11 hours to go! Yippee!" and do the happy dance during a 12 hour shift.
• You have ever had a patient with multiple piercings and tattoos but are afraid of shots.
• You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time.
• When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
• You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
• You believe just because someone’s license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
• You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications written on them.
• Most everything can seem humorous… eventually.
• Every time you walk you made a rattling noise from all the scissors, pens and clamps in your pocket.
• You believe everybody has to die sometime.
• You can make the bed of a patient in 30 seconds. But not the bed on your own room.
• When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.
• You consider a tongue depressor as an eating utensil.
• You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system- quantity not sufficient].
• You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.

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